Evil Schemes
by Minerva Blue
Summary: One-shot stories that will force you to wonder, what was she thinking? A lot of you are wondering how we make a complete episode of evil schemes. Well stop wondering, we don't do crap until the producers tell us too..we're lazy sons-of......
1. Evil Schemes

Queen Tinfoil tries to be evil, it's not that she isn't successful. It's just her schemes are a complete failure.   
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Sailor Moon, never have, never will. So don't assume that I do. And with that said, on with the story.  
  
  
Evil Schemes  
  
By Minerva Blue  
  
A tall evil looking lady with wild crazy black hair and a flaming crown  
placed her hands on her hips and belted out some insane maniacal laughter  
  
"Muhahaha!"  
  
Yes, thats the one. Nearby the inner senshi hung by dentel floss over a pit of ravenous squirrels. Sailor Moon looked at the evil looking lady. "You'll never get away with this Queen Foiled."  
  
The lady scowled, folding her arms. "It's Queen Tinfoil, didn't you read my card?"  
  
Mercury looked at her strangly. "That doesn't sound like a villain name."  
  
"Well Just Plain Evil was taken, do you have any idea how difficult it  
is to come up with evil aliases?"  
  
Jupiter shrugged. "We wouldn't know."  
  
Tinfoil nodded. "Well it won't matter soon enough. When the dentel floss breaks my ravenous squirrels shall tear you to pieces. Muhahahaha."  
  
Mars winced. "Thats worse then Usagi's whining."  
  
Tinfoil wiped the sweat from her forhead, it was getting unbearably hot  
under her flaming crown, maybe she should have ordered the run of the mill gold one from the Villain's Universal Catolog, but she couldn't do anything about that now. "You know I have you dangling over the pit of your impending doom, the least you could do is be cordial."  
  
Venus twisted the dentel floss to look at Tinfoil. "We'll just escape   
again you know."  
  
"Not true! this plan cannot fail!"  
  
"Pfft, I've seen better plans on the Titanic. You villains are all   
alike. You never just finish us off."  
  
Tinfoil opened a book. "It says right here in villains guide 101,  
always place heroes in an impossibly inescapable situation with  
up to five inept guards."  
  
Mars rolled her eyes. "You are unbelievable, we've had better phages  
then you."  
  
"Don't insult me! I am your destroyer, I deserve respect!"  
  
A rose landed near Tinfoil's feet. Tinfoil shrieked, dropping her book  
and jumping back. "Not a rose! Do you have any idea how many allergies can be triggered with that?"  
  
Tuxedo mask stood on a few boxes, his cape was considerably shorter then usual as he spoke. "A true villain is a force to be reckoned with, you destroy their bad name Queen Tinfoil, I, Tuxedo Mask will punish you!"  
  
Mars looked at Sailor Moon. "You really shouldn't have tried to wash his cape."  
  
Sailor Moon frowned. "I didn't know it was dry clean only."  
  
Tuxedo Mask leapt off the box, charging at Tinfoil with his cane.  
Queen Tinfoil shrieked grabbing a large colorful block and throwing it at Tuxedo Mask.  
  
"Ow! What is that?"  
  
"Week old fruitcake."  
  
"Your going down Queen Tinfoil!"  
  
Tinfoil turned her head to see the pink suited Chibi-Moon. Tinfoil groaned. "Not pink."  
  
"Yes! Pink! It is a cruel thing to be chucking fruitcake at a black dressed hero, In the name of the future moon, I will punish you!"  
  
As Queen Tinfoil was occupied wih Chibi-Moon, the dental floss began to snap. The inner senshi swung to the edge of the pit, landing just inches away from their doom by squirrel.  
  
"Prepare to be defeated Tinfoil!" Cried Sailor Moon.  
  
Queen Tinfoil looked at her escaped captives. "I think not."  
  
From her pocket she retrieved two black beads, throwing them down. The beads exploded into smoke around her. When the smoke cleared Tinfoil remained, coughing heavily. She looked at the senshi, still standing before her.  
  
Tinfoil blinked. "Uhh."   
  
Quickly she darted into a pod, pressing the escape button and jetting off. The senshi blinked, Jupiter looked at the empty escape hatch.   
  
"She escaped."  
  
Venus pointed to the five inept guards. "She left her guards."  
  
One of the nearest inept guards stepped up to them. "It looks like you live incredibly dangerous lives. Well allow me to make you an offer."  
  
Mercury looked at the guard. "Who are you?"  
  
"Stanley Fanfair, Stan's used cars."  
  
Chibi-Moon blinked. "Used car salesman?"  
  
The guard nodded.  
  
In unison the senshi screamed, running for the door.  
  
  
====================  
  
Next Episode: Tinfoil has once again captured the senshi by some amazing miracle. But it appears that something much more sinister may yet foil her plans! 


	2. Tinfoil Meets her Match

Special Thanks to Ellie Shields for allowing me to borrow her Sailor Earth for this particularly evil story. Also without a doubt I must thank those who do own sailor moon for in case you have noticed, I don't.   
  
==================================  
  
Tinfoil Meets Her Match  
By Minerva Blue  
  
Queen Tinfoil laughed maniacly as she faced the senshi, all caged in toothpick prisons.  
"Quasi-Evil Queen Tinfoil!" Cried Chibi-Moon, in her own unique black jar, which prevented any pink from corrupting the evilness of Tinfoil's evil atmosphere. Tinfoil moved her blanket around her and placed on her anti-pink sunglasses to peer at Chibi-Moon. "Quasi-Evil?! Quasi Evil?!!! I will have you know I am all evil!"  
Sailor Moon folded her arms. "Oh yah, if your so evil then why don't you just kill us?"  
Tinfoil sighed, removing her non-flaming black tiara and polishing it with her blanket. "Didn't we just go through this last episode?"  
Jupitar nodded. "Yes, but we want to hear it again."  
Tinfoil rolled her eyes. "I don't know why I even bother. Fine, you see the true evilness in an evil charecter is all in plot. You must lay out a carefully detailed plan or else your evilness just sounds like a common criminalistic offense."  
"Criminalistic?" Questioned Mercury.  
Queen Tinfoil glared at Sailor Mercury. "Do you want to let me finish, do you mind being polite for once."  
"Alright fine, continue."  
Tinfoil nodded and placed her black tiara on her head again. "Now here comes the real difficulty of true evilness. For true evilness comes from the blackest of hearts such as Anime dubbers and T.V. Executives. You have to be creative in your work and be able to offer a much eviler plan then just, eliminating you at once. For example, a true evil villain would exact such harmful torcher like this."   
Camly Tinfoil placed a pair of large ear-muffs on her ears and switched to her mega-dark sunglasses. Stepping back she snapped her fingers.  
At first all the senshi could here was marching and perhaps some faint joyful singing, then gradually it got louder.  
Neptune gasped. "Dear god no! not that!!!"  
Around the corner marched the cutest robatic munchkins, singing their programed song. "....it's a small world.." I will not continue this example for it is just too evil to move on.  
Tinfoil threw back her head and laughed quite evily. "Hahahah! Muhahaha! *cough* *gagh*"  
By some miracle a green laser beam smashed into the parade of evilness, melting them into the ground, their horrifying music ceasing to play.  
Tinfoil removed her ear muffs and mega dark sunglasses to look at her destroyed army. "What now?"  
"Stop Evil fiend!"  
Tinfoil turned to the voice of the assailent. "Evil Fiend is on vacation in the Bahamas, I am Queen Tinfoil! Try to remember."  
"Whatever. The challanger leapt down from her shadowed podiem, revealing a long brown haired sailor senshi with double odongos on the top of her head, her skirt, skarf and boots purple with a green bow. The mysterious senshi stood and took a pose. "I am Sailor Earth! and in the name of Earth, I will punish you!"  
"Stop! Halt! Cease and desist!"  
Sailor Earth and Queen Tinfoil turned to see a sharply dressed woman, hair pulled tight in a bun and holding a clipboard step out of the Tinfoil peered at the woman. "Who in the evil allience are you?"  
The woman adjusted her glasses. "I am Carmen Critic and there are several objections I wish to discuss in this third rate fanfiction, the most severe is that of this imposter Sailor Earth."  
Sailor Earth looked at Carmen, confused as she approacher her. "Me?"  
"Who else. Obviously you are not aware that there is a currently existing Sailor Earth. The man which is called Tuxedo Mask is still holding that position. In light of this I must ask you to step down for you are clearly not true to the series."  
"But..but.."  
"I'm afraid I must insist, now move along."  
Sailor Earth nodded, hanging her head as she moved away into the shadows and out of the story.  
"Stop evil fiend!"  
Carmen Critic, Queen Tinfoil and the remaining Senshi looked up again on the podium as a young purple curly haired girl in a magenta and purple sailor suit leapt down, holding a wand with a brightly colored gem. "I am Sailor Clios! and in the name of Clios, I shall Punish you!."  
Tinfoil prepared to battle, Carmen shook her head. "I am afraid this cannot be allowed either since there is no such planet Clios curently existing."  
Sailor Clios frowned. "Then who will save the other Senshi?"  
"I'm only the critic, I cannot offer any creative help. This job requires me to be void of it anyway."  
Queen Tinfoil laughed evily. "Haha! I win Sailor Soldiers! At last evil comes through!"  
Carmen turned to Tinfoil. "I am afraid I am not finshed miss Queen Tinfoil. Queen Tinfoil is a direct violation of the incredibly sinister first villain Queen Beryl, and is an incredible disrespect to her. I am afraid the similarity is just too close for any comfort at all. You must either change your name or I shall be forced to revoke your villain's liscense of which makes no sense whatsoever for a liscense is not needed to be a villain."  
Tinfoil scowled as Carmen handed her a slip of paper complete with orders. Carmen nodded and began to studdy the room. "Now the podium appearence is clearly too redundant to keep and the narrorator's comments on rare occassions are just too strange. Also there s no other plot as to what you intend to do with the Senshi once their torcher is complete.."  
Tinfoil folded her arms. "Are you finished?"  
"Not in the least."  
Sailor Mars folded her arms. "You know we are trying to continue a story here."  
"Fan-fiction." Corrected Carmen.  
"Whatever!"  
Clios folded her arms with Tinfoil. "I don't know about you but I think I'm getting tired of being criticized for every minor detail."  
Tinfoil looked at Sailor Clios. "You too?"  
Clios nodded. "Partners?"  
Tinfoil shrugged. "Okay, but just this once, don't expect me to retire from evilness after this!."  
Clios nodded. "Fine."  
She whistled as Sailor Earth leapt down to stand beside them and all three began to approach Carmen Critic, who was still commenting on the story. "Now the incredible dis-regard for classic songs is intolerable I jus...hey!"  
All three pounced on Carmen as a skuffle ensued, dust and clipboards flying everywhere.  
  
For the sake of a wonderfully brief story the Senshi which now included Earth and Clios walked away from Afghan's dark evil hideout.  
Clios dusted her hands off. "Well, that was refreshing."  
Sailor Earth nodded in agreement.  
Mercury looked at the two. "So what did happen to Carmen after we were released?"  
Earth and Clios exchanged looks and Earth replied. "Well Queen Tinfoil insisted she would take care of it, and considering the fact that she agreed to let you all go we took the offer."  
Clios smiled. "I wonder what she's going through now."  
  
Meanwhile back at Queen Tinfoil's evil Hideaway Carmen Critic stood trapped in her toothpick prison screaming for mercy. Queen Tinfoil sat a few feet away, her mega sunglasses and ear muffs placed on her head, grinning smuggly as the tiny band of munchkins robots and purple dinosaurs marched by singing...that...song...  
  
============================== 


	3. Tinfoil's Evil Muffins!

"This is it, I cannot fail. With this plan I will rule the entire State of New Hampshire! Muhahahahaha*cough*"  
  
"Don't you mean Universe?"  
  
Queen Tinfoil looked at her pointless sidekick, wondering why the network hired him to poke flaws in her otherwise perfect diabolical schemes. "Universe? Are you kidding? Thats way too much for a villain of my fine stature to handle! New Hampshire will be fine, perhaps the entire east coast if I wish. Come Starling, it is time to reveal my evil plan to the lurking public."  
  
"Sterling Queen Tinfoil."  
  
"Right, right..Sterling."  
  
Tinfoil proceeded to unroll a long scroll that draped to the floor and over her unfortunate sidekick. "Now then Sterning!"  
  
Sterling crawled out from beneath the scroll. "Sterling"  
  
"Stirling. First, we must steal all the candy withen my proposed ruling domain. Then! With no candy to satisfy their sweet tooth, they shall be forced to feast on my special Bran Muffins! Little knowing it contains a powerful ingredient making the consumer fully suggestive to my power!!! MuhahahahahahahahahMuhahahahahMuahahahaha*Cough* *cough*"  
  
"Water my Queen?"  
  
"My doctor says juice."  
  
"He also says to stop laughing so maniacly."  
  
"The doctor can kiss my bran muffins. Now, Skerming, we must prepare for my plan!"  
  
"But my Queen, wouldn't it be easier just to place the suggestive ingredient withen the candy instead of stealing it? Thereby eliminating the cause for unessisary baking?"  
  
".......silence Starnling! Your breaking my concentration."   
Tinfoil calmly adjusted her black tiara. "Besides, a Queen needs her sweets. Now come stemling, to the bakery!"  
  
Her head held high, Queen Tinfoil exited stage left to the bakery with her mispronounced Sterling following close behind.  
  
Usagi sighed, laying back in her lounge chair with her sunglasses on.  
"You are so right Haruka. Running that marathon was worth it. It's such a relief to be out of those Odongos!"  
  
"uh..Usagi?"  
  
"Oh, I completly agree. If outer Senshi sales go up 5% we'll definatly use the money to help finance you and Michiru's island."  
  
"Usagi"  
  
"I hear the Sailor Moon sales are down 12.4% this year. Could the english dubbing be that bad you think?"  
  
"Usagi!"  
  
"What?!"  
Usagi looked up, taking off her sunglasses as Haruka gave her a look.  
  
"oh...Oh! Oh!"  
  
Quickly she adjusted her position. "Uh..wa wa I am sooo hungry. What? Queen Tinfoil is stealing all the candy in New Hampshire for her diabolical plans?"  
  
Immediatly Usagi stood up, determined. "We must stop her!"  
  
Haruka looked at her and whispered. "Uh, Usagi, we're not supposed to have figured out her plan yet."  
  
Usagi looked at Haruka. "So what, we'll just end up stumbling over it eventually anyway."  
  
Haruka nodded. "Good point."  
She stood up with Usagi and started to walk into the mansion. "Lets go."  
  
****  
  
Meanwhile, Back in New Hampshire.  
Queen Tinfoil pushed a wheelbarrow full of candy sweets along, Sterling following closely with a wheelbarrow of bran muffins.  
"My Queen?"  
  
"Yes Stipling?" She immediadly snatched some candy from a baby as Sterling replaced it with another bran mffin.  
  
"Sterling. Wouldn't it be easier just to get a truck?"  
  
Tinfoil stopped and looked at Sterling. "Of course not! Besides, it saves on energy, don't you forget that!"  
  
"Yes my Queen."  
  
"Stop Queen Tinfoil!"  
  
Queen Tinfoil looked up, shading her eyes as dhe moved her gaze to the top of the building, looking at both inner and outer senshi.   
"You took longer then usual."  
  
Sailor Moon nodded and leapt down, the other senshi following suit. "yes, well you have any idea how hard it is to get a non-stop flight from Tokyo to New Hampshire?"  
  
Tinfoil nodded as she took a pair of Anti-pink sunglasses from her pocket and placed them on. "Yes, well...you shall never defeat me!"  
  
Sterling looked at Tinfoil curiously. "My Queen, why the sunglasses?"  
  
Just then, a fully pink chibi-moon leapt out in front of them.  
  
"I am sailor Chibi-Moon and in the name of the moon-ow!"  
  
A bran muffin had hit Chibi-Moon square in the face. Tinfoil nodded. "Good shot Storkling!"  
  
"Sterling my Queen."  
  
"Right."  
  
"Give up Queen Tinfoil!" Cried Sailor Moon.  
  
"Never!!"  
  
"Mars Flame Sniper!"  
  
Mars' fire arrow launched at Tinfoil, but to no effect.  
  
Mars gasped. "She's Flame retardent!"  
  
Tinfoil laughed. "Ice, Fire, Water, Earth Wind and Love! All prevented in my new Villains Free Tiara!"  
  
Queen Tinfoil indicated her black tiara. "You shall never stop me!! MuhahahaMuhahahaMuhahaha*cough* *cough* *gahg*"  
  
The Senshi peered at her. "You alright Tinfoil?"  
  
Tinfoil nodded. "Perfectly fine! Now, to steal your candy! Go my evil pets!"  
  
Ravenous pink chipmunks chittered wildly, scampering from the wheelbarrows and charging at the Senshi.  
  
"No! Not Chipmunks!" Cried Pluto  
  
"Yes! Ravenous Chipmunks!" Laughed Tinfoil.  
  
The Senshi backed up as the chipmunks began to charge. "We're going to be chittered to death!" Cried Mars.  
  
Sterling looked at Tinfoil. "Shall we be on our way my Queen?"  
  
Tinfoil nodded. "Yes Stifling, there is still much to do!"  
  
They were about to leave when a bran muffin landed square in the hoard of chipmunks, everyone froze, then looked up to see the black caped man in the top hat.  
  
"How evil of you to steal the candy of New Hampshire for your own and replace it with mind altering bran muffins. Tuxedo Mask will punish you, thats me."  
  
Tinfoil looked at Tuxedo mask, hands on her hips. "Well obviously. Your speech is less corny then usual. What happened?"  
  
Tuxedo Mask shrugged. "I felt I would try a more direct approach."  
  
He hurled a muffin at Tinfoil.   
  
"Ow!" Cried Tinfoil. "What the hell happened to your roses?!"  
  
"They're out of season, I had to make do by lifting your muffins!"  
  
"Bran Muffins."  
  
"Whatever." He chucked another muffin down on them.  
  
Tinfoil narrowed her eyes. "This isn't over!"  
She draped her cape over her in a cloud of smoke. When the smoke cleared, Tinfoil blinked, then ran, Sterling following close behind.  
  
Venus blinked. "Well that was easy."  
Jupitar nodded. "Yah, but now what do we do with these extra bran muffins?"  
  
Sailor Moon and Uranus looked at eachother and grinned. "Oh We know what to do" Replied Sailor Moon.  
  
***  
  
The Television chattered away on the latest news. "In other news today. The English Voice actors of Sailor Moon and Mini Moon were chucked with a barrage of bran muffins by some mysterious assailents..."  
  
"Cheer up my Queen. Theres always next time."  
  
Tinfoil nodded, a determined look in her eyes. "Yes, next time, and next time I shall be sure to make my Tiara...Muffin proof! Muhahaha Muhahahaha Muahahahaha*cough* *cough*"  
  
"Are you alright my Queen?"  
  
"I'm Fine." 


	4. Tinfoil's Vacation

Ah yes, a third tale about everyones *cough* Well my villain, the Queen Tinfoil!   
Before we start I must inform you that regrettably I do not own Sailor Moon, of course you all wish I did? Right? uhm yah okay one more additional thing this being a comedy fanfic here are a few tips.  
  
Those looking for any seriousness in this story will be shot!  
Those looking any truth will be prosecuted!  
Those wishing to brutaly critique, this being in mere fun, shall be kicked in the Rear.  
Those looking for Villain tips will be poked fun at and pointed to the above warnings.  
  
And without any further procrastination(Of which I do have a talent for) Let us continue with the story. Oh and afterwards you shall be directed to the story where you shall promptly give a polite review, those wishing to violate orders stated shall be promptly directed to the dumpster outback in which they will be forced to read all my abandoned fan fiction and made to endure hours of my homework while watching every single dubbed episode of Sailor Moon with those grueling torcherous voices, this includes the movies. And If you really make me mad, I'll throw in a Tellietubbie video with It's a Small World in the background! You have been Warned several times. So, on with the story.  
  
=========================================  
  
Queen Tinfoil sighed, removing her flaming crown and blanket cape which was her trademark. She ruffled her crazy black hair and checked the bags under her eyes.   
"Everything alright your evilness?"  
  
Tinfoil looked at the sinister green haired man that walked up to her. His hair had originally been violet but Tinfoil forced him to dye the color due to evil purposes. With his past experience as a door to door salesman this guy was a perfect evil lackey.  
  
"You know Monoxite? This is just too much work there were way too many Senshi running underfoot and just not enough evil schemes to get rid of them all."  
  
Exausted she collapesed into her throne.   
"If I have to lay eyes on that pink Chibi-Moon again I swear I will...Well I wil do something very evil. and to make matters worse, Sailor Moon went through yet another transformation again. How many forms can one Super Hero have? It's not natural....Wheres Carbonite?"  
  
"Oh him? He took off, said he had some extra work to do."  
  
  
---------------------  
Meanwhile, deep in the depths of an arcade an orange haired guy furiously played the new Sailor V game. "Hahaha! now I have you! Cut my pay will ya?! Take that!"  
--------------------------  
  
"You know sometimes I worry about that guys mental stamina."  
  
Monoxite blinked. "Mental what?"  
  
Queen Tinfoil shook her head. "Nevermind...hey whats this?"  
  
Her eyes fell upon a small brochure by the trone, a sunny beach with palm trees.  
  
"Oh, Some lady with a pen and pad came by earlier and dropped it off. Said her name was..Minerva something. Anyway she said it was just what you needed."  
  
Tinfoil was already grinning as she opened the brochure, which was complete with a ticket. She would have to thank that..ahem..mysterious benefactor.  
  
"This is perfect!"  
  
Tinfoil jumped out of her throne, looking more exhilerated then she had been in weeks. "I will go to this Bahamas and have a relaxing vacation far away from any Senshi!"  
  
"But your evilness! Who will take care of the villainry in your place?"  
  
"Oh uhh..you and Carbonite can do it! Bye!"  
  
Quickly she sped off and hopped on the nearest plane to the Bahamas. Monoxite silently walked onto the throne and sat down, whistling and drumming his fingers. The door slammed and Tinfoil dashed back in.  
  
"I uh...forgot my suitcase."  
Immediatly she grabbed her suitcase and dashed off again.  
  
Tinfoil sat in her bathing suit on a folding chair, basking in the sun as she adjusted her sunglasses.  
"More Mai Tai miss Tinfoil?"  
  
Tinfoil accepted the beverage from the handsome well muscled man.   
"Thank you."  
  
------------------------  
  
Usagi stretched her arms and layed back in the sand. "This is nice!"  
  
Rei looked at Usagi. "Uh, where did you say you got these Bahama tickets?"  
  
Usagi shrugged. "Some girl named Minerva, she seemed very eager to be giving them away."  
  
Ami sat up. "You know it does sound very peculiar that you would get five tickets."  
  
Minako nodded. "Expecially ones addressed to 'Sailor Moon and her friends.'"  
  
Usagi yawned, putting on her sunglasses. "Yea I know, but we were due for one. Lina Inverse gets to take vacations, I say we should too."  
  
Makoto sat up. "She does not, she works every episode!"  
  
Rei nodded. "And she's not even a superhero."  
  
Minako agreed. "Not to mention she's a greedy sorceress who only works if she gets paid."  
  
Usagi looked at her friends. "You know that raises an interesting point. Why don't we start charging for our services?"  
  
Ami sighed. "Because Luna and Artemis would never let us."  
  
"Who said they had to know?"  
  
--------------------------------------  
  
Queen Tinfoil balanced at the edge of the cliff, looking down at the waters below. She spread her arms out then leaned forward, taking a dive. Her blanket cape acted as a parachute, slowing her descent as she borught her hands together. "WooHoo!"  
She hit the water in a gigantic splash, sending water everywhere.  
  
--------------------------------  
  
The senshi coughed, wringing out their hair. They glared at the cliff, then the water. Usagi stood up. "Whats the big idea?"  
  
The other senshi nodded, standing up behind her.  
"Saturn!" Called Minako.  
  
Out of nowhere Sailor saturn came walking up with her silence glaive. "What?"  
  
"Did you do that?"  
  
Saturn shook her head. Usagi scowled. "They won't get away with it! Moon Eternal Prism Crystal Honeymoon Power! Make-Up!"  
  
The other senshi sighed, transforming as well.  
"Saturn!" Called Sailor Moon. "Blow that up will you?" She pointed to a figure moving in the water below the cliff.  
  
Saturn just stared at Sailor Moon, then shrugged. "Okay." Taking her glaive she unscrewd the top, reaching inside to pull out 3 sticks of dynamite strapped to a grenade. Calmly she pulled out the pin and hurled it through the air. The grenade and dynamite exploded, water shooting 60 feet into the air, leaving a large hole where it hit, blowing off a huge chunk of the cliff and sending 20 foot waves onto the shore, completly soaking the senshi. The girls wrung out their hair for the second time today and Mars looked at Saturn. "What happened to that Death revolution thing?"  
  
Saturn just stared. "What Death Revolution thing?"  
  
"The one that destroys planets!"  
  
"Oh that. That was it."  
  
"What?"  
  
Saturn shrugged. "Cutbacks. The networks thought my attack was too costly. You have to find a fresh planet, evacuate, and then when you blow it up theres this whole expense of glueing it back together. It's just one big mess."  
  
Mars blinked. "...oh"  
  
  
"Alright whats the Big Idea?!!" Queen Tinfoil stormed angrily onto the shore, fists clenched in rage.  
  
The senshi gasped. "Tinfoil!"  
  
Queen Tinfoil blinked. "Sailor Senshi! I should have known! You just had to ruin my vacation didn't you?"  
  
Mercury blinked. "This is our vacation!"  
  
Sailor Moon nodded. "Yea, So clear out! We don't have time to mess with your evil schemes!"  
  
Tinfoil scowled, rolling up imaginary sleaves. "Well, If you think I'm going to let you get away you are sadly mistaken. Come forth! Evil squid!"  
  
The waves rose in fury, colapsing onto the shore. As they drew back the senshi gasped, there beside Queen Tinfoil was a wrigling black eight legged sushi ingredient. Queen Tinfoil laughed maniachly. "Hahahahahahahahahaha Hahahahahahaha!!"  
  
Sailor Moon and the others just stared, Jupitar pointed to the creature. "That thing is barely six inches tall!"  
  
Tinfoil glanced down at the black wriggleng creature, it was indeed lacking in height.  
  
Mercury folded her arms. "Thats not even a squid, it's an octopus!"  
  
"So what! same thing!"  
  
"It is not!"  
  
Tinfoil scowled. "Well...well you still won't get away! He may be small but he's quitte dangerous and rabid!"  
  
Mercury's face displayed confusion. "Rabid? Where are it's teeth?"  
  
"It has deadly poisonous ink! No one ruins my free ticket to the Bahamas and gets away with it!"  
  
Sailor Moon stared at Queen Tinfoil. "Did you say Free?"  
  
Tinfoil nodded. "I got it from some lady named Minerva."  
  
Venus looked at her companions. "Doesn't that sound familier?"  
  
Mercury nodded. "I told you we shouldn't have accepted those tickets."  
  
Mars nodded. "This was all part of some sinister plot to get us together!"  
  
Jupitar scowled. "What kind of Vile Brainless Twit would do such a thing?"  
  
Saturn looked at the girls. "A fanfiction writer?"  
  
Tinfoil folded her arms. "Can we get on with it?"  
  
The senshi nodded to eachother and Sailor Moon whispered something in Tinfoil's ear. Tinfoil's face turned red with rage, she picked up her little octopus and turned it facing...the screen.  
  
The other senshi turned around in unison.  
  
"Mars Flame.."  
  
"Mercury Aqua..."  
  
"Venus Love and Beauty...."  
  
"Jupitar Oak...."  
  
"Crystal honeymoon Therapy.."  
  
"Death Reborn...."  
  
...Uh oh! Okay See you guys in the next chapter!   
  
"..Sniper!"  
  
"..Rhapsody!"  
  
"...Shock!"  
  
"...Revolution!"  
  
"..Kiss!!!"  
  
"...Revolution!"  
  
"Squid..err, Octopus poison ink!!" 


	5. Episode V

In tribute to Star Wars Queen Tinfoil shall take a different turn for a very special, yet very ridiculous episode of Evil Schemes.  
Sit back, relax and enjoy, even non star wars fans may feel like cracking a smile.  
  
=======================================  
  
  
The tall evil looking woman with crazy black hair and black crown threw back her head, laughing maniacly. "Muhahahahahahahahahaha! Muhahahahaha!"  
  
Right. Against the wall withen their toothpick prisons crouched three men, better known as Qui Gon, Obi Won, and Anakin...Won. The cramped cages were growing uncomfortable, making the three captives irritable.  
  
"At last! where is your precious force now?"  
  
Obi Won was the first to speak. "But thats what we keep telling you mam, we're just actors."  
  
"Silence! I will not have your lies in my secret underground base!"  
  
Anakin stared at the surroundings. "This cave isn't underground."  
  
Queen Tinfoil scowled. "Silence! I don't hear Yoda complaining!"  
  
She pointed upwards, indicating a slumped over two foot tall green figure perched in a swinging cage.  
  
There was a long pause. The three looked at eachother before Qui Gon finally spoke. "Thats because he's a puppet."  
  
"Yes! a puppet of your so called good forces! But fear not! I shall break his useless ideas of light and dark and he shall finally see my way! Yoda will become a Darth force of destruction! Ahahahahahahahaha!!!"  
  
Obi Won blinked. "I fail to see how you will accomplish this, as he is, still, a puppet."  
  
"I have no need for your lies! You shall be my ultimate tool in your undoing as your precious force unwittingly assists me in conquering this pathetic planet! Soon, any moment now billions will journey to your theatres to witness your historical documentaries. When they do my lackies will release a sonic beam throughout the theatres, bringing every loyal fan under my control! And your power shall help me do it! Muhahahahahahaha!!!"  
  
"That doesn't make any sense. Who in they're right mind would willingly endanger the lives of millions of loyal star wars fans?"  
  
"They're lawyers. I spared no expense Sterning! Hook them up!"  
  
"Sterling My Queen." The silver haired assistent approached the three Jedi actors, hooking the three, and Yoda to the jumper cables he carried.  
  
"Those cables will allow me to tap into your jedi power and finally I shall rule the world! Muhahahahahaha!!"  
  
"Not so fast Queen Tinfoil!"  
  
Queen Tinfoil turned around to the odongo haired siloete standing on wooden boxes. "Sailor Moon!"  
  
"I will not allow you to take advantage of the dedication of movie-goers! In the name of the moon, I'll punish you!"  
  
Star Wars fight music began to play as Sailor moon jumped down and drew her wand.  
  
Tinfoil scowled. "Starling! Stop that music!"  
  
"Sterling My Queen." He turned to the tape player, pressing the stop button and fast forwarding. Finally he pressed play and the darth vader music began to play.  
  
"Better." Queen Tinfoil grabbed her scepter. "En Guarde meatball head!"  
  
Scepter and wand raised the two engaged in combat as the familiar star wars melody played in the background courtesy of Sterling.  
  
"Pink Sugar Heart Attack!"  
  
"Ow!" Tinfoil scowled as tiny hearts hit her in the head. She turned around to face her new foes, The disgustingly pink heroine Chibi-Moon and the other senshi. "How did you get here! I thought I dropped you into a doom pit filled with ravenous squirrels and guarded by five of my lackies! What diod you do? feed the squirrels my lackies instead?"  
  
"We tried, but they wouldn't touch the lawyers."  
  
"Prepare to face the wrath of my lightsaber!!" Tinfoil grabbed the small stick from her throne and whacked it, forcing out a plastic green lance. She stared for a moment and then threw it at the sailor suited champions of justice and ran, laughing maniacly. "Ahahahahahaha!! You havn't seen the last of me! Muhahahahahahahaha!!!"  
  
Sterling blinked. "My Queen?"  
  
*****************  
  
Qui Gon nodded as he stood on the hill with his two companions, looking at the sunset. "At last the galaxy is safe thanks to me."  
  
Anakin blinked. "But you didn't do anything."  
  
Obi Won nodded. "He's right. You were only in one movie and you have no real powers."  
  
"Didn't I? I think millions of fans would disagree."  
  
"Millions of fans haven't seen this fic."  
  
Anakin sighed. "Don't you think it's weird though. In the middle of a sailor moon fic the only thing sailor moon were the brief cameos?"  
  
Obi Won looked at the boy "Nobody Cares Vader." 


	6. Tinfoil's Revenge

rolls eyes Oh Geez do I have to go through this again. Looks back at the lawyors with fear Okay, fine.  
  
I don't own Sailor Moon....But Queen Tinfoil and Sterling are still mine! So there!  
  
  
===================================================  
  
  
"And what is with this Tinfoil Queen? Nutcase I'll say. This villain is a complete joke viewers and it is by some fluke she isn't destroyed. Queen Tinfoil, our pushover for the week!"  
  
"Yaaargh!!!"  
  
The TV screen shattered by a sudden explosion of green energy. Queen Tinfoil grabbed the oversized hammer near her throne and then proceeded to pound the TV into a heap of scrap metal as she screamed her fury. A young silver haired man walked in and stared for a moment at his master's actions before speaking. "Uh, My Queen?"  
  
Queen Tinfoil scowled, turning around. "They just don't appreciate my genius Sterving. I am an exceptional villain!"  
  
She scowled, colapsing back into her throne and tossing the hammer aside. The man immediatly ducked as the hammer flew over his head and he cleared his throat. "Sterling Ma'am." He glanced at the broken Television. "CNN again my Queen?"  
  
Tinfoil scowled. "Tokyo Today."  
  
"...Oh. My Queen don't let this get you down. It's just TV."  
  
Tinfoil glared art Sterling. "Need I remind you what happened to Moldevite Stemming?"  
  
Sterling winced. "Uh...no mam.. But I just meant you'll show them, prove them all wrong."  
  
Tinfoil studdied her henchman for a moment before jumping out of her seat. "They'll be sorry! Yes Sterling you may not believe it possible but I SHALL DESTROY THEM!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!"  
  
"yes my queen."  
  
  
***********************  
  
A suspiciously disguised couple stood outside Tokyo Today new studio. A woman with crazy black hair wearing a black dress and sunglasses and a silver haired man in a silver haired uniform also wearing sunglasses.  
  
"Uh, my Queen, might I point out that despite these sunglasses we might possibly still stick out like a sore thumb?"  
  
"Silence Starling! there is much planning to do!"  
  
"Sterling my Queen."  
  
"Whatever."  
  
Silenced Sterling pulled out a spray can and began knocking out the guards as they made their entrance.  
  
  
  
******Withen the set of Tokyo Today.************  
  
The news reporter lady shuffled her papers. "In other news today. Sailor Moon gets a new attack. Ladies and Gentelmen am I the only one to question when this insanity will end? Does one whining pathetic child really need another attack for potentially destroying the world?"  
  
  
********Meanwhile************  
  
Usagi twitched as she watched the set. "They are really pushing it."  
  
Rei looked at Mamoru, who had backed a safe distance away from his currently volitile girlfriend. "They really are bashing her arn't they?"  
  
Mamoru nodded and the reporter continued to speak. "Once again we must wonder how a weak man in a tuxedo finds it possible to save this supposidly powerful senshi? Also fire attacks. Can one really be that predictable, not to mention the sheer ridiculousness of prancing around in high heels."  
  
Rei screamed. "That is it! They are gonna pay!"  
  
Mamoru nodded, dizzy on the floor and still in shock from Rei's sudden scream.  
  
************Tokyo Today*************  
  
Venus looked at Mercury. "Tell me again why we're here?"  
  
"We're going to punish the reporters from saying awful things about ups and try to restrain Rei from killing them."  
  
Venus nodded. "Right. But they are still filming right?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Hmm, that means I could get my big debut..."  
  
Meanwhile Queen Tinfoil and Sterling had already penetrated the not so secret headquarters of Tokyo Today. Tinfoil laughed as she jumped out in front of the nast reporters. "HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! Insult me will you?!"  
  
The reporter looked up, irritated it the evil lady. "Who is this? This is a closed set, get this nobody out of here."  
  
This made Tinfoil twitch. "Nobody? I am your future Queen!!! Bow to me and die!!!"  
  
The senshi stared at the evil queen, who had arrived minutes before them. Jupitar looked at the others. "Shouldn't we help them?"  
  
Rei grinned sinisterly. "No....we never saw a thing."  
  
Sailor Moon grabbed the others and together they backed into the shadows and left Queen Tinfoil to her rage. The screams of pain could still be heard as a 3 week marathon of sponge bob was turned on full blast throuought the entire tv station. 


	7. Convention Obsession

Finally, a Parody that begins with a bang and ends with a whimper! The powerful epic made to drop your IQ 10 points! That's right! Our research shows you will actually grow dumber for reading this! Okay nuff kidding. I do not own sailor moon so why ask.  
  
======================================  
Convention Obsession  
"AHAHAHAHA! You'll never escape fromme now Sailor Scouts!"  
  
"It's SENSHI you idiot!" Cried Sailor Moon, shaking her fist at Queen Tinfoil.  
  
Sailor Mercury stopped to correct. "Actually the direct translation is Soldiers."  
  
Sailor Jupitar grabbed Mercury, pulling her along as they ran. "Will you shut up?!"  
  
The five...er...soldiers had finally met their match in the evil Queen Tinfoil. Of all her great epic sinister plans this was it, the Queen had finally chosen a winner. Her laughter echoed for miles as she rode atop her most sinister creatuion of all. A Giant Man Eating Hampster.  
  
Venus pointed to abuilding with a line of people flooding in. "Quick! we can hide in there!"  
  
Mars looked at the blonde warrior. "And just wait forher sitting on our tuffets?"  
  
Sailor Moon looked at Mars. "That's a new word."  
  
"I gota word of the Day calender."  
  
"Oh."  
  
Venus interupted. "Trust me!."  
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" Cried Tinfoil. "We have them now Stifling!"  
  
"Sterling your greatness."  
  
"Shut up. Into that building!"  
  
Sterling sighed and lead the giant hampster, named Ruddy, towards the building where the Senshi had just recently ducked into.  
  
****************************  
Mars, Moon, Jupitar and Mercury stood gaping at the scene before them. Venus just smiled. "What did I tell you? Never underestimate the power of love!"  
  
Before them was a swarm of charecters, there was a guy in a crimson coat with a blonde mowhawk. A giant yellow mascot that looked like a supersize version of a stuffed toy. A redhead in a flight suit, a kid with insane black hair in an orange outfit next to another ugly guy with black hair into a tip that had to be held up by nearly a gallon of hair gel. "See Kakarot!" Cried the spiky haired fellow. "I told you there was a secret underground orginization of evil operating in California!"  
  
"I don't know..." Wondered the guy named Kakarot. "I think they're just people dressing up."  
  
"What ever gave you that idea? They would have to be IDIOTS! It's not even Halloween."  
  
"Okay whatever you say..."  
Sailor Mars blinked in disbelief. "Oh god it's true."  
  
Sailor Jupitar nodded somberly. "Yes, we have entered....An Anime convention."  
  
Venus smiled. "And they will never find us here!"  
  
As she spoke a troup of 5 interplanetary senshi passed them by. The last was a Sailor Pluto, who had a remarkably authentic costume. The Pluto stopped and looked at the5 girls. In her arms she held several video tapes and stuffed novelty plushes. "Sailor Moon?"  
  
Sailor Moon gaped at the Pluto. "...Setsuna?!"  
  
"Oh...well this is awkward..."  
  
Mercury took a video from Pluto, examining it. "What would you be doing in an anime convention?"  
  
Mars nodded. "And in uniform."  
  
Pluto stuttered. "Well...would you believe...Time Vortex! Yep I am closing a rip in the space time continueum. Oh look at allthis stuff...so contaminated with...chronotons. Well! I better dispose of them. Bye!"  
  
With that Setsuna rushed off, disapearing into the crowd. Venus blinked. "That was weird."  
  
What and this isn't?" Jupitar indicated the 5 dozen different people dressed just like them."  
  
"Well...I told you we would be safe. I mean who would find us in this crowd?"  
  
"Hey great costumes guys!"  
  
Mars sighed andshoved her double out of the way. "I say we should just buy a giant wheel and two tons of kibble."  
  
Mercury nodded. "Let's keep moving."  
***********************  
  
"Why would they run into a building with no escape my queen?"  
  
"Silence stemling! Obviously they fear my great power!"  
  
Sterling sighed. "Yes my queen."  
They looked down to see a middle aged man dressed in a blue sailor uniform, short skirt and red boots. "She looks different to me."  
The 40 year old dressed as sailor moon folded his arms and looked up at the queen. "What are you supposed to be?"  
  
Tinfoil looked down at the pitiful human. "I am Queen Tinfoil peasant!!!"  
  
The cosplayer scoffed. "Yea right, never heard of her."  
  
"Why you...."  
  
"Perhaps we should find the Senshi my Queen?"  
  
Tinfoil rolled her eyes. "Very well." She then pointed an accusing finger at the cosplayer. "I'll return for you."  
  
Tinfoil then looked around and gasped. "Theres more of them!"  
  
Sterling nodded. "We appear to have enered an anime convention."  
  
"Silence sterning! We must find the real Sailor Moon!"  
  
The man spoke. "I'm sailor moon!"  
  
Another girl approached. "No I am sailor Moon!"  
  
"I'm Sailor Moon!"   
  
"I'm Sailor Moon!"  
  
"No I am!"  
  
The dozen sailor moons began arguing until a fight broke out. Pigtails were pulled as henshin sticks flew, the entire tumble looking like an episode of Jerry Springer. A Moon Sceptre flew into the air and hit the hampter, poking a hole through it and deflating it withen seconds.  
  
Tinfoil stood there blinking. "You're show Stepling!"  
  
Finally she turned and ran. Sterling sighed and followed. 


	8. Tinfoil's Big Move

All these charecters are mine and mine alone, and although this is originally a Sailor Moon fanfic, not charecters from this anime shall currently be appearing in this chapter. So this is all mine!!! MuhahahahahahahahahahhaMuhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!  
  
*cough**ahem*  
  
Anyway, on with the show.  
  
===============================================  
  
"Carbonite! don't drop that!"  
  
The orange haired henchmen rolled his eyes and sighed as he lugged a chest of match villain wear towards the exit. "Yes my Queen."  
  
The remarkably pale evil Queen with wild dark hair glanced at Carbonite before returning to her book, '101 Ways to Cook a Senshi in Iminent Death Without Failing Miserably Like All The Other Times'. "Get Seerlin to help you, he's good with his hands." Queen Tinfoil layed back and tossed her book on top of the chest, this was followed by a loud cracking sound from Carbonite joined with an excrusiating scream, Tinfoil seemed to ignore it. "I don't know why they say moving is so hard, I've never felt better. Carbonate! Stop laying around sobbing! We have a new evil lair to move into."  
  
Carbonite dragged himself inch by inch towards the exit, pulling the chest along with him. Queen Tinfoil sighed then looked out at her now emptying evil lair. "Monoxite. Steerfling."  
  
The two remaining henchmen, one with bluish hair and the other with silver stood before their Queen. "It's Sterling my Queen."  
  
"Whatever. Are we nearly moved?"  
  
Monoxite scowled. "My Queen you just broke Carbonite's back!"  
  
Queen Tinfoil didn't even blink as she pulled a rope and brought a 2 ton piano down on Monoxite. She rubbed her chin in thought. "Hmm. Stilling, make a note to recruit more henchmen."  
  
Sterling bowed. "Right away My Queen." He then picked up a box and proceeded to the exit.  
  
"Stepleen?"  
  
"Yes My Queen?"  
  
Queen Tinfoil indicated the piano and crushed Monoxite who appeared to be fused into the wreckage now. "Have Carbonite clean this mess up."  
  
"Yes My Queen."  
  
Tinfoil breathed a long sigh, looking out at her now emptying cave. She watched as Carbonite dragged himself back in to report. "Carbonite. Do you think I am a failure?"  
  
Carbonite glanced at his newly crushed companion and gulped looking immediatly back at his leader. "No my great and elegant Queen."  
  
"Two years and I have only managed to catch one senshi."  
  
She pulled the lever next to her and brought down a dangling midget Sailor Soldier dressed entirely in pink, little brown hairs peeking beneath the otherwise entirely pink wig. Carbonite looked at the supposed 'senshi' Tinfoil had captured at the last anime convention, now more or less deceased due to Monoxite forgetting to feed the blasted thing. "Chibi-Usa is an excelent prize My Queen."  
  
"True, but I have yet to shack the feeling that I have failed somehow."  
  
"Never My Queen!"  
  
Queen Tinfoil nodded, pulling the lever and bringing the 'prize' back up again. "True, I am remarkably talanted."  
  
"Indeed My Queen."  
  
Queen Tinfoil nodded, satisfied with her henchmen's answer. "Very well Carbonte, move the remaining items and we shall settle into our new evil lair."  
  
With her last words Tinfoil stood up and left, climbing into the ferrari she had Sterling steal from those blasted critics. Carbonite looked at the piano, the incredibly heavy throne and the deceased corpse of a rotting Chibi-Usa clone that neither of the henchmen had the guts to tell her was not the original. Then, Carbonite began to sob.  
  
======================== 


	9. The Making of

Evil Schemes: The Making of an episode.  
  
The Evil cave was somewhat empty, Tinfoil having moved out several months before, in fact no one quite could explain why this particular scene was still here when it was no longer necessary, until now.  
  
Out of nowhere in a puff of smoke appears a girl with shoulder length brown curls, conceiled with an inexplicably long green cape. "Welcome, To a very special episode of EVIL SCHEMES!"  
  
She unfurls the cape and tosses it aside with a flourish of overshowmanship and poses. "I am your host, Minerva Blue, Acting gorgeously." She smiled, walking across the cave, then backwards, then further away, then closer, then straight again.  
  
Finally a man dressed in black sweats approached her. "Uhm, Miss Blue, please stop playing with the cameras."  
  
"OH right. Sorry, it's just...they follow me."  
  
The stage hand left and Minerva cleared her throat. "Well, As I was saying you're probably still wondering why we're here. Well that's Tinfoil's moved, the producer is on the wanted list of both senshi and villains for the actions of episode 4 and We wanted to extort more money out of the loyal fans by doing a very cheaply made episode in still familier settings."  
  
She smilled, walking over to the throne and placing her hand on it. "A lot of you are wondering how we can possibly create an Episode of Evil Schemes while still maintaining our sanity. Well the truth is, we don't, never had any to begin with really. For those of you who don't give a shit...well, we don't either, so we're presenting this episode anyway. Ladies, gentlemen and things so ugly we can't tell what you are...today we will go behind the scenes and show you just exactly how an episode of Evil Schemes is made."  
  
She glanced at the throne. "See this?" She patted the arm then broke off a piece. "It's not even real, All the way through production we had Queen Tinfoil complaining over and over that she was hungry. It was insane, the senshi kept eating the donuts. So we went ahead and made a throne for the Queen out of food, it's pure grahm cracker." she took a bite. "Queen Tinfoil has an unlimited hidden supply of food througout the set. Of course, after this episode airs those damn senshi will be eating the entire set and we'll have the same problem again."  
  
"Now a lot of you are wondering how you can make a single episode with one person talking the entire time. Well, obviously there are those of you who have never seen the end of Evangelion. Be thankful We're not stuffing a series of repeat footage down your throats."  
  
"You may wonder how wemanaged to get all the original actors of sailor moon back for a new series completly unafiliated with Naoko. We blackmailed then..all except for Pluto, we just hired a 30 year old man to play her part. None of you even knew the difference."  
  
She approached the camera. "Okay serious. Do you really want to know how an episode is made? It's bull shit, we just throw a bunch of crap together at the last minute with elmers glue and construction paper and call it a day. Half of the actors don't even remember their lines." She smiled and waved. "Join us next time, bye! have a nice day." 


End file.
